Awww its good to be back...I tell ya its amazing how a person becomes so reliant on habit...and for weeks I had to grow accustomed to making new ones...life without the internet was bad enough...but life without my friends especially my bff was brutal.
Remind me for my own sanity never to allow that shit to happen again lol.
However being offline really opened my eyes to the fact that I have become so use to to taking some of my friendships for granted...if it wasnt for signing up for messenger on my cell phone I really dont know if I would have stayed grounded.
I know to some that may sound silly but to those of u that know me...u will know that I have to have my daily fix..hoho is who gets me through the day...she is the one who can get me out of a rut or keep me on a path of contentment..she is the one I tell everything to and vise versa...I never ever want to be in a place again where I feel as though I have let her or anyone else down including myself...(shut up hoho..I had a moment lol)
Anyway while being cut off from the world I took a day to sit and write what it is like to be when I am at my lowest...I dont share this for pity but rather for understanding .
In 2003 and I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks with depression.
You would think that after 7 years I would know how to cope with one of these little buggers creeping up.
Somedays I do ok and other days not so well.
The way I had this all explained to me so that I could understand ,is that an anxiety attack is our bodys way of coping with stress when we dont know how to cope anymore.
To some the following that Im about to share may seem so trivial and such a simple matter to deal with however combine all the outside sources to the smaller ones and you end up with huge waves of attacks that leave you questioning your own mortality.
I know some of you sitting there reading this view the world of medication as something as an evil toxin..something our body doesnt really need if we just learn to rely on a healthy life style by exercising and eating right..however until you have walked in my shoes you will never experience or know what its like to have to rely on a medicine to get you through a day.
It is sad that I have allowed this to become my 'saviour' of sorts..I know my body needs it just to function properly.
My day can start out rather normal...wake the girls up for school at 8 a.m(because daddy gets cody off to school as he has to be out the door by 7 a.m)...help them with their lunches...do up the dishes ,sweep the floors...maybe do some laundry and tidy the house if need be...I can be sitting there doing absolutley nothing or I could be busying myself with one of the above...when boom...I become light headed and feel sick...I feel as though something is pressing on my chest and I cant breathe...I work myself up even more because this is the part the mind likes to play tricks...I begin to ask myself omg am I dying? Am I having a heartattack? I can feel a heat move up from my toes,legs ,across my back and kneck to the very top of my head...my stomache begins to sink and I start to gasp for air...I begin to shake and more often then not ask why me? please dont let this be happening.....I begin to cry and can feel all these racing thoughts going through my head that wont stop...it comes in waves...at first very slow but as the water gets more fierce so do the waves until they begin to crash in and I feel as though Im holding on to a rock for dear life...
I know Im ok ...I know Im not dying...but when faced with this demon your mind plays a nasty trick over you and you continuely think the worst...I bring myself to a happy place and concentrate ..usually I sing in my head..jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so....I repeat this over n over until I can feel my body calming....sometimes I can get this under control the first time around...other times I have to take my lorazapam and start from scratch many,many times over....
Most days I am normal...I can function normally but when life becomes stressful this is when I lose my coping mechanisms and all goes to shit...I feel as though I live in constant fear of repeating history...although I learned alot while on the 3rd floor...the mental ward...it is a place I do not want to go back to....I live in fear of putting my family through what I went through as a child....I live in fear that a mother in laws words would indeed become truth and I will lose my husband and children if I ever allow myself to go 'mental'again because she will do whatever it takes to make sure of it.
I live with guilt when these attacks occur because I know the memories they hold for my kids and my husband before I was diagnosed...I live in fear of why me? why after 30 years of a normal life all the sudden I have to deal with this?why do I have to take a med in order to make me 'normal'?
This is who I am ...its part of my life and although its a hated part its made me who I am today...I am strong despite how weak I feel when these attacks occur...I am brave even when I dont feel it....I am smart and intelligent even when my thoughts say your dying yet I know I am not....this has made me more compassionate and empathetic towards others that suffer far worse than me...it has opened my eyes that my life could be alot worse...my illness could be alot worse....yes this is who I am and although I do not like this part of me...I have to accept this part...it is something I can not change...it is something that can not be embranced it is something that scares the hell out of me...but none the less it is part of me...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Codys gift.....
Ive been asked many times to share with you about my son Cody..all though I have way to much to put into one blog I will continue this if its of intrest to you. ;)
Most know that at a very young age Cody has had the ability to see and talk to the after life..for me it was never a question of believing him..instead I read everything I could get my hands and I encouraged him..
Sometimes he would be afraid,but more times than not he felt very at ease with what was happening to him...
I can remember at the age of 3 him describing to me what he could see...sometimes it was full figure with distinct features..and other times he would describe it as a bright light or floating ball..(which we later would explain to him is called an orb)..
There was a short time after my grand father passed away that Cody 'lost' this 'gift'.
We didnt realize at the time how much this upset him or why it was happening... when my grandmother passed 3 months later...he finally spoke up and asked why Grandpa didnt come to visit?
I did a little bit more research and one of the reasons that could have been..was that Cody was to close to his gramps...everything I read said that (just as cody)although he may want these visits..he wasnt ready..and because of that..Gramps knew...
This went on for a few years...when my dad passed away very suddenly Codys gift came into play once again...being a little older he was scared but embranced it...for him its second nature..
There are so many stories I could share with you,but I think the one that sticks out the most is when my Grandpa was still alive ..so I will start with that one :D
In advance let me say that I knew nothing of what Im about to share with u..it wasnt until AFTER the fact that I knew any of what had taken place.
Cody went back to my dads for a weekend..my dad lived in a loft on my grandpas property..
Cody and grandpa went to the bush to leave feed for the deer..off the property is a hunting camp where the hunters all stay during deer season,it was there that he saw a man wearing hunting gear holding a hand gun..(he later desribed him to a T ...)
When Cody came home he told me about me this..I asked him if he said anything to grandpa and he said no,so I asked if I could call gramps and tell him.
During the conversation gramps says to me "give me a minute I will be back' I have no clue why he has to put the phone down lol..he comes back on the line and says to me..
Janet you know I believe in Codys gift..you know I have always told you to encourage him and that I would do the same...I have to tell you..before he came back I laid in bed the nite before and I spoke to (we'll call him john)and I told him that he needed to give me a sign..he needed to show me that what everyone said wasnt true (at the time no clue what he was talkin bout)he said..cody gave me the sign I needed I could feel it in my gutt all along that 'john' didnt just walk away from his wife and kids..he went to the bush and took his life...he then goes on to tell me a year prior one of the hunters went missing...he went back to the cabin 'just for the nite..to get away' no one thought any thing of it the next morning when he wasnt around when gramps went to feed the deer...it wasnt until later in the day when his wife called back to my grandparents that red flags went up...
There was no explaination as to his where abouts..there were no clues..nothing...when the police got involved they too were under the impression that 'john' was considered a missing person...my grandfather on the other hand,as I said earlier,always felt in his gutt that he had taken his life...
Later there was a search done at 'johns' home and it was found that the only items missing were his hunting gear and his hand gun ,a 45 ...
His body has never been found.
Cody's 'visit' was enough comformation for my grandpa...everything that he had learned through the course of the year was proof enough when conbined with what the police found and cody 'saw'
This is just one of the many experiences Cody has had...I could go on and on...lol
Kinda sends shivers down your spine doesnt it ??
:D
Most know that at a very young age Cody has had the ability to see and talk to the after life..for me it was never a question of believing him..instead I read everything I could get my hands and I encouraged him..
Sometimes he would be afraid,but more times than not he felt very at ease with what was happening to him...
I can remember at the age of 3 him describing to me what he could see...sometimes it was full figure with distinct features..and other times he would describe it as a bright light or floating ball..(which we later would explain to him is called an orb)..
There was a short time after my grand father passed away that Cody 'lost' this 'gift'.
We didnt realize at the time how much this upset him or why it was happening... when my grandmother passed 3 months later...he finally spoke up and asked why Grandpa didnt come to visit?
I did a little bit more research and one of the reasons that could have been..was that Cody was to close to his gramps...everything I read said that (just as cody)although he may want these visits..he wasnt ready..and because of that..Gramps knew...
This went on for a few years...when my dad passed away very suddenly Codys gift came into play once again...being a little older he was scared but embranced it...for him its second nature..
There are so many stories I could share with you,but I think the one that sticks out the most is when my Grandpa was still alive ..so I will start with that one :D
In advance let me say that I knew nothing of what Im about to share with u..it wasnt until AFTER the fact that I knew any of what had taken place.
Cody went back to my dads for a weekend..my dad lived in a loft on my grandpas property..
Cody and grandpa went to the bush to leave feed for the deer..off the property is a hunting camp where the hunters all stay during deer season,it was there that he saw a man wearing hunting gear holding a hand gun..(he later desribed him to a T ...)
When Cody came home he told me about me this..I asked him if he said anything to grandpa and he said no,so I asked if I could call gramps and tell him.
During the conversation gramps says to me "give me a minute I will be back' I have no clue why he has to put the phone down lol..he comes back on the line and says to me..
Janet you know I believe in Codys gift..you know I have always told you to encourage him and that I would do the same...I have to tell you..before he came back I laid in bed the nite before and I spoke to (we'll call him john)and I told him that he needed to give me a sign..he needed to show me that what everyone said wasnt true (at the time no clue what he was talkin bout)he said..cody gave me the sign I needed I could feel it in my gutt all along that 'john' didnt just walk away from his wife and kids..he went to the bush and took his life...he then goes on to tell me a year prior one of the hunters went missing...he went back to the cabin 'just for the nite..to get away' no one thought any thing of it the next morning when he wasnt around when gramps went to feed the deer...it wasnt until later in the day when his wife called back to my grandparents that red flags went up...
There was no explaination as to his where abouts..there were no clues..nothing...when the police got involved they too were under the impression that 'john' was considered a missing person...my grandfather on the other hand,as I said earlier,always felt in his gutt that he had taken his life...
Later there was a search done at 'johns' home and it was found that the only items missing were his hunting gear and his hand gun ,a 45 ...
His body has never been found.
Cody's 'visit' was enough comformation for my grandpa...everything that he had learned through the course of the year was proof enough when conbined with what the police found and cody 'saw'
This is just one of the many experiences Cody has had...I could go on and on...lol
Kinda sends shivers down your spine doesnt it ??
:D
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
one of the many reasons why.
Most that look at my little girl..see a beautiful redhead with big blue eyes.
I am very partial in thinking that your observation would be correct.
She is always told she looks like me...go figure?
Many times as her parents we have been told that we should have her be a model...maybe so and I know she would love the idea...however, I dont want her swallowed into a life from a vast photo collection that reassures her about her self image.
I would rather my little girl do as she does now...look into a mirror and tell herself that she is pretty.yes people she does do this.
O trust me she knows that those words she says are true..I joke that she is vain...and when asked what that meant I told her simply that she doesnt need anyone to tell her how she looks because she knows it herself.
I dont remember at her age having such self confidence...in all truth my appearance has always been an issue for me.
When I look at her I wish in the days of my youth that I could have been a little bit more like her..that being said..it hasnt always been an easy road with B.
At the age of 6 she was told by a family member for the first time..that she was fat...I cant even begin to tell you what that did to her.
For months afterwards I had to listen to her put herself down..she hated her hair..she hated her freckles...she was fat..she was ugly.
If I had known that the words spoken to her would destroy her confidence the way it did..my threat of bitch smacking the next person that said it to her wouldnt have been empty.
Finally after months B had built her confidence up enough that she once again liked who she was.
But yet again would be told by this same person repeatedly that she was fat and we would have to start all over from scratch each time.
It amazes me at how cruel an adult can be.
The more I think about the most recent events infuriates me beyond belief.
Unlike B I cant seem to bounce back this time and have really let this eat at me..thus the reason for todays blog.
I am woman that speaks her mind most times before I think...I am opinionated and have many times had to eat my own words because of it.
But when it comes to this person I find myself sometimes feeling intimated to do or say anything..that is how she is...
I am now faced with how my daughter feels about this person...saddly at her young age of 12 she wants nothing to do with her.
What do I say to that?
Can I say that I blame her?
How do I deal with this without my own personal feelings coming in?
How do I do my job as a mother 1. teaching her to forgive and ignore when I cant.
and .2 allowing her to make her own choice at such a young age as to how she feels?
This person has done this to herself...yet it all comes back to me..it will be my fault because of my attitude and how I feel ...
I know that those are things my children pick up on...I dont want to be the one to influence their choice of not wanting a relationship with this person yet I know part of it is because of me.
As a mother I want to do the right thing...I want to protect my babies from hurt that they dont need to experience...I want them to stand up for themselves but in a respectful manner..I want them to know that forgiveness is both a gift received and given..and that respect doesnt just come from a child to the adult but from the adult to the child
I am so wrapped up in my own anger towards this person that I really have no idea how to resolve this...
All I know for certain is that if I ever have to deal with this situation again in regards to my child being told she is fat...or any put down for that matter to any of my children...that I will put my foot down and show this person the door...I will gladly tell her..she is no longer welcomed in my home.
No one especially an adult is going to take my childs self worth and trample on it with mean vandictive words..
I really dont know how to end this..other than we wonder why we have so many young children that commit suicide..we wonder why we have kids that are on medication for depression...we wonder why we have cutters and kids with eatin disorders..kids that turn to drugs and alcohol...
This quite honestly is one of the many reasons why.
I am very partial in thinking that your observation would be correct.
She is always told she looks like me...go figure?
Many times as her parents we have been told that we should have her be a model...maybe so and I know she would love the idea...however, I dont want her swallowed into a life from a vast photo collection that reassures her about her self image.
I would rather my little girl do as she does now...look into a mirror and tell herself that she is pretty.yes people she does do this.
O trust me she knows that those words she says are true..I joke that she is vain...and when asked what that meant I told her simply that she doesnt need anyone to tell her how she looks because she knows it herself.
I dont remember at her age having such self confidence...in all truth my appearance has always been an issue for me.
When I look at her I wish in the days of my youth that I could have been a little bit more like her..that being said..it hasnt always been an easy road with B.
At the age of 6 she was told by a family member for the first time..that she was fat...I cant even begin to tell you what that did to her.
For months afterwards I had to listen to her put herself down..she hated her hair..she hated her freckles...she was fat..she was ugly.
If I had known that the words spoken to her would destroy her confidence the way it did..my threat of bitch smacking the next person that said it to her wouldnt have been empty.
Finally after months B had built her confidence up enough that she once again liked who she was.
But yet again would be told by this same person repeatedly that she was fat and we would have to start all over from scratch each time.
It amazes me at how cruel an adult can be.
The more I think about the most recent events infuriates me beyond belief.
Unlike B I cant seem to bounce back this time and have really let this eat at me..thus the reason for todays blog.
I am woman that speaks her mind most times before I think...I am opinionated and have many times had to eat my own words because of it.
But when it comes to this person I find myself sometimes feeling intimated to do or say anything..that is how she is...
I am now faced with how my daughter feels about this person...saddly at her young age of 12 she wants nothing to do with her.
What do I say to that?
Can I say that I blame her?
How do I deal with this without my own personal feelings coming in?
How do I do my job as a mother 1. teaching her to forgive and ignore when I cant.
and .2 allowing her to make her own choice at such a young age as to how she feels?
This person has done this to herself...yet it all comes back to me..it will be my fault because of my attitude and how I feel ...
I know that those are things my children pick up on...I dont want to be the one to influence their choice of not wanting a relationship with this person yet I know part of it is because of me.
As a mother I want to do the right thing...I want to protect my babies from hurt that they dont need to experience...I want them to stand up for themselves but in a respectful manner..I want them to know that forgiveness is both a gift received and given..and that respect doesnt just come from a child to the adult but from the adult to the child
I am so wrapped up in my own anger towards this person that I really have no idea how to resolve this...
All I know for certain is that if I ever have to deal with this situation again in regards to my child being told she is fat...or any put down for that matter to any of my children...that I will put my foot down and show this person the door...I will gladly tell her..she is no longer welcomed in my home.
No one especially an adult is going to take my childs self worth and trample on it with mean vandictive words..
I really dont know how to end this..other than we wonder why we have so many young children that commit suicide..we wonder why we have kids that are on medication for depression...we wonder why we have cutters and kids with eatin disorders..kids that turn to drugs and alcohol...
This quite honestly is one of the many reasons why.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
frugal transformations
Most know that I am a frugal shopper.
Given the choice to shop at a mall or a thrift store I would choose the latter..
I can go into a store with a 20 in my pocket and come out with bags full of treasures waiting to be transformed at my hands AND still have change left over :)
Most of my 'decor' is that of thrift shop finds! (I will take the time at some point to post you some of my 'gems' so that you all can truley see how easy it is to turn someone elses junk into something of your own pride and wonder!)
My hope is that you too will find yourself lookin around and wondering what you can transform for mere dollars into something of your very own creation.
Recently I visited the salvation army warehouse one of my favorite 'second hand' stores...I went in,in hopes of finding yet again another book to add to the over flowing library that I have began to build.
Not only did I come home with 1 but 3 Nora Roberts ,one of my all time fave authors (cost to me 1.50 if I paid retail over 20!)...I was also in high hopes of finding something I could make into a book shelf for my livingroom but found myself coming up empty handed at that attempt ,so I began digging through bins of fabric and sheets...amongst the mounds of them I found the perfect 'curtain'
(Rick has been working very hard at laying the hardwood in the livingroom and since the choclate color I wanted for the walls isnt gonna happen I decided to accent the room instead)
Once Ive taken a closer look at the material I realize its already one huge panel and decide how perfect is that? I can cut it in half and make 2 panels out of one AND the job is already half done for me...I flip it over to see the price tag and Im sold instantly..brand new walmart tag retailed at 19.98 and I pay 2 bucks!
So I come home paint the trim around the windows...wash the windows,wash the curtains,make my panels and hang em up...once again Im filled with pride knowing that no.1 I found a bargain and no.2 I transformed them!
Some would call me cheap ...but I much preferr the term frugal...I get simple pleasure from taking something old and making it into something new.
Now ya all know I couldnt do a blog just about frugal shopping without there being a lesson to learn as well... ;)
First let me define frugal:1.thrifty and economical ,2.sparingly used,simple
Latley Ive been on a path of self discovery...I find myself getting in touch with my spiritual side at a level I dont think I have ever aquired before.
Much like the things in my home I've 'watched' as I too have began to transform...I was frugal in my attempt to open myself to new possibilities...to allow God to take charge in my life and create something new in me.In other words I was simple and sparingly in my attempts at achieving a higher level of spirtualness.
I allowed it to become dusty and old,it has sat on a shelf (so to speak)waiting patiently for me to come along,dust if off and embrance its newness...I have remained believing in what I was taught and how I was raised rather than seek out the new treasures God has instore for me.
Transform:1.to change shape or appearance,2.to change the nature of, or to convert.
Transformation is a marvelous gift that we all have inside us,once we allow it to change us on the inside it isnt long after that we, as well as others, can see the changes on the outside.
In a sense its a reflection of our spiritual energy,it mirrors how we feel both on the inside and the outside.
So the next time you look around for that bargain,that frugal deal,remind yourself that all things are possible.
It doesnt take much to transform 'something' other than a little elbow grease,(take that and interpret it as you may ;) ....)you will find in the end that slowly but surely you will have created something you can be proud of.
Given the choice to shop at a mall or a thrift store I would choose the latter..
I can go into a store with a 20 in my pocket and come out with bags full of treasures waiting to be transformed at my hands AND still have change left over :)
Most of my 'decor' is that of thrift shop finds! (I will take the time at some point to post you some of my 'gems' so that you all can truley see how easy it is to turn someone elses junk into something of your own pride and wonder!)
My hope is that you too will find yourself lookin around and wondering what you can transform for mere dollars into something of your very own creation.
Recently I visited the salvation army warehouse one of my favorite 'second hand' stores...I went in,in hopes of finding yet again another book to add to the over flowing library that I have began to build.
Not only did I come home with 1 but 3 Nora Roberts ,one of my all time fave authors (cost to me 1.50 if I paid retail over 20!)...I was also in high hopes of finding something I could make into a book shelf for my livingroom but found myself coming up empty handed at that attempt ,so I began digging through bins of fabric and sheets...amongst the mounds of them I found the perfect 'curtain'
(Rick has been working very hard at laying the hardwood in the livingroom and since the choclate color I wanted for the walls isnt gonna happen I decided to accent the room instead)
Once Ive taken a closer look at the material I realize its already one huge panel and decide how perfect is that? I can cut it in half and make 2 panels out of one AND the job is already half done for me...I flip it over to see the price tag and Im sold instantly..brand new walmart tag retailed at 19.98 and I pay 2 bucks!
So I come home paint the trim around the windows...wash the windows,wash the curtains,make my panels and hang em up...once again Im filled with pride knowing that no.1 I found a bargain and no.2 I transformed them!
Some would call me cheap ...but I much preferr the term frugal...I get simple pleasure from taking something old and making it into something new.
Now ya all know I couldnt do a blog just about frugal shopping without there being a lesson to learn as well... ;)
First let me define frugal:1.thrifty and economical ,2.sparingly used,simple
Latley Ive been on a path of self discovery...I find myself getting in touch with my spiritual side at a level I dont think I have ever aquired before.
Much like the things in my home I've 'watched' as I too have began to transform...I was frugal in my attempt to open myself to new possibilities...to allow God to take charge in my life and create something new in me.In other words I was simple and sparingly in my attempts at achieving a higher level of spirtualness.
I allowed it to become dusty and old,it has sat on a shelf (so to speak)waiting patiently for me to come along,dust if off and embrance its newness...I have remained believing in what I was taught and how I was raised rather than seek out the new treasures God has instore for me.
Transform:1.to change shape or appearance,2.to change the nature of, or to convert.
Transformation is a marvelous gift that we all have inside us,once we allow it to change us on the inside it isnt long after that we, as well as others, can see the changes on the outside.
In a sense its a reflection of our spiritual energy,it mirrors how we feel both on the inside and the outside.
So the next time you look around for that bargain,that frugal deal,remind yourself that all things are possible.
It doesnt take much to transform 'something' other than a little elbow grease,(take that and interpret it as you may ;) ....)you will find in the end that slowly but surely you will have created something you can be proud of.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Live a life of AUTHENTICITY
I belong to a fantastic board where a small group of us women can hang out daily and be exactly who we are...I have been a member here for almost 3 years and have never regretted joining,I have made life time friendships with some fantastic women with all sorts of different ideas and opinions.
We all come from different backgrounds and walks of faith but the one thing that ties us all together is the desire of true friendship without the drama.
Before I begin todays blog I invite you to join this little world on the net that many of us have nicknamed 'home' http://friendsblessings.b1.jcink.com/ I promise that you too will not regret becoming a member!(the link to the board u can find near followers at the bottom right of my blog :D...)
This morning one of the ladies posted a thread with quotes ... one of them struck out at me,grabbed me by the shirt and said this is it!This is todays blog entry! So in advance to whatever comes of what im about to write I say thank you JEAN for takin the time to post these awesome quotes!
The first one that caught my attention is quite simple 'insist on yourself,never imitate' when I start to unravel in that brain of mine what this atually means or implies I soon realize it all comes back to being exactly who we are without shame and standing proud in the shoes we wear as women,mothers,wives and friends.
Its about accepting ourselves as we are including our faults,its about not hiding or pretending to be someone we are not for the sake of others.
Ultimatley its about not losing our identity to gain the acceptance or approval of another,but rather to insist on being who you are and to never live your life imitating what others think you should be.Pretty much self explainatory when you start picking it apart lol.
The second one that caught my attention and my favorite (which ties in beautifully with the first quote,just watch and see lol) is this ' We need to find the courage to say 'NO' to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity'
To define the word authenticity for you:genuineness, purity, realness! In other words never settling to imitate something that you are not,be true to who you are first and foremost.
Be courageous enough to say 'no' to the people and things in your life that influence you to sarcrifice who you are..be courageous enough to step up and say I deserve better! I love me! Without acknowleding these 2 things on your own free will then why should anyone else?
Live a life of AUTHENTICITY,live a life of 'INSISTING ON BEING YOURSELF'
I think if we can accomplish these things then everything else will fall into place,you will find that not only you but those around you will be more 'genuine,more real'
In closing my wish for all of you that read this today is to feel and accept the authentic person you are,to never settle for less that what you deserve. :D
We all come from different backgrounds and walks of faith but the one thing that ties us all together is the desire of true friendship without the drama.
Before I begin todays blog I invite you to join this little world on the net that many of us have nicknamed 'home' http://friendsblessings.b1.jcink.com/ I promise that you too will not regret becoming a member!(the link to the board u can find near followers at the bottom right of my blog :D...)
This morning one of the ladies posted a thread with quotes ... one of them struck out at me,grabbed me by the shirt and said this is it!This is todays blog entry! So in advance to whatever comes of what im about to write I say thank you JEAN for takin the time to post these awesome quotes!
The first one that caught my attention is quite simple 'insist on yourself,never imitate' when I start to unravel in that brain of mine what this atually means or implies I soon realize it all comes back to being exactly who we are without shame and standing proud in the shoes we wear as women,mothers,wives and friends.
Its about accepting ourselves as we are including our faults,its about not hiding or pretending to be someone we are not for the sake of others.
Ultimatley its about not losing our identity to gain the acceptance or approval of another,but rather to insist on being who you are and to never live your life imitating what others think you should be.Pretty much self explainatory when you start picking it apart lol.
The second one that caught my attention and my favorite (which ties in beautifully with the first quote,just watch and see lol) is this ' We need to find the courage to say 'NO' to the things and people that are not serving us if we want to rediscover ourselves and live our lives with authenticity'
To define the word authenticity for you:genuineness, purity, realness! In other words never settling to imitate something that you are not,be true to who you are first and foremost.
Be courageous enough to say 'no' to the people and things in your life that influence you to sarcrifice who you are..be courageous enough to step up and say I deserve better! I love me! Without acknowleding these 2 things on your own free will then why should anyone else?
Live a life of AUTHENTICITY,live a life of 'INSISTING ON BEING YOURSELF'
I think if we can accomplish these things then everything else will fall into place,you will find that not only you but those around you will be more 'genuine,more real'
In closing my wish for all of you that read this today is to feel and accept the authentic person you are,to never settle for less that what you deserve. :D
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
'MY home IS a reflection of MY life
I spent the day yesterday cleaning ,organizing ,donating and getting rid of garbage.
Most that know me know that I like a clean house..everything within the viewing eye has to be in place..has to be perfect.
Each room has somewhat of a theme as well as a color scheme...every room is a piece of our life as a family,well almost every room.
I try very hard to weed through crap bout once every 3 months but latley with being at home Ive fallen into a rutt of not doing what I dont see daily...so trust me yesterday was an ALL day event lol.
The old classroom is now a music room for the kids...I cant wait to get in there paint and decorate it for them...it was so awesome to accomplish that (with codys help) and then hear all 3 of the kids in there later jammin on their keyboards and guitars.
Definatley music to ones ears.
My laundry room now looks like a laundry room rather than a landfill ... I cant even begin to tell ya how relieved that makes me feel...
I even rearranged nick nacks and got rid of nicknacks in the kitchen...that in itself is a shock ...our bedroom now looks like a little haven for me n daddy
I still have much to finish but as I collapsed on the bed last nite I felt as though finally I had a mission that was accomplished.
What can I say? Im proud of my home.
HOWEVER that being said...I suck at the things like organization.I always start out with a plan..always intend to keep order and before I know it I have more junk drawers than a person really needs.
I always say yes my house is pretty but dont dare look in the closets,cupboards or drawers!!
This has made me realize something over n over through the course of my adult life ' a home is a reflection of your life'
On the outside all appears clean,tidy and put together.Its warm and inviting.
However when u start to dig and weed through the trash you soon realize that there are things hidden among the treasures.
I have often said that my messy cupboards represent the mess of my life.
On the outside I appear as well kept together as my home,but on the inside Im as messy as my closets and cupboards.
As I cleaned yesterday and got rid of things that I really didnt need or want, it became in away very therapeutic.
Often,just as we do in life,we hold onto the clutter and forget about the treasures.
Maybe its the history or sentiment of something...or whom it was received from,maybe its not wanting to part with it 'just in case',maybe we feel guilt and thats yet another HUGE reason we hold onto material things ,again just as life.. guilt is the reason we have 'clutter',that burden alone is enough to make a person like myself stop and realize that its time to let it go.
Whatever the reason is, we become a victim of the clutter and the only way to get rid of it is to toss it without regret.
I dont think I will ever be as organized as some..but taking the steps to say enough is enough is the direction I want for my life.
I deserve to live without clutter...without guilt.I deserve to look around and like what I see including the person in the mirror,I deserve to find the treasures and hold on to them.
Quite simply I deserve to stand back, admire and be proud that 'MY home IS a reflection of MY life',and although not perfect it slowly becoming less cluttered and more treasured.
Most that know me know that I like a clean house..everything within the viewing eye has to be in place..has to be perfect.
Each room has somewhat of a theme as well as a color scheme...every room is a piece of our life as a family,well almost every room.
I try very hard to weed through crap bout once every 3 months but latley with being at home Ive fallen into a rutt of not doing what I dont see daily...so trust me yesterday was an ALL day event lol.
The old classroom is now a music room for the kids...I cant wait to get in there paint and decorate it for them...it was so awesome to accomplish that (with codys help) and then hear all 3 of the kids in there later jammin on their keyboards and guitars.
Definatley music to ones ears.
My laundry room now looks like a laundry room rather than a landfill ... I cant even begin to tell ya how relieved that makes me feel...
I even rearranged nick nacks and got rid of nicknacks in the kitchen...that in itself is a shock ...our bedroom now looks like a little haven for me n daddy
I still have much to finish but as I collapsed on the bed last nite I felt as though finally I had a mission that was accomplished.
What can I say? Im proud of my home.
HOWEVER that being said...I suck at the things like organization.I always start out with a plan..always intend to keep order and before I know it I have more junk drawers than a person really needs.
I always say yes my house is pretty but dont dare look in the closets,cupboards or drawers!!
This has made me realize something over n over through the course of my adult life ' a home is a reflection of your life'
On the outside all appears clean,tidy and put together.Its warm and inviting.
However when u start to dig and weed through the trash you soon realize that there are things hidden among the treasures.
I have often said that my messy cupboards represent the mess of my life.
On the outside I appear as well kept together as my home,but on the inside Im as messy as my closets and cupboards.
As I cleaned yesterday and got rid of things that I really didnt need or want, it became in away very therapeutic.
Often,just as we do in life,we hold onto the clutter and forget about the treasures.
Maybe its the history or sentiment of something...or whom it was received from,maybe its not wanting to part with it 'just in case',maybe we feel guilt and thats yet another HUGE reason we hold onto material things ,again just as life.. guilt is the reason we have 'clutter',that burden alone is enough to make a person like myself stop and realize that its time to let it go.
Whatever the reason is, we become a victim of the clutter and the only way to get rid of it is to toss it without regret.
I dont think I will ever be as organized as some..but taking the steps to say enough is enough is the direction I want for my life.
I deserve to live without clutter...without guilt.I deserve to look around and like what I see including the person in the mirror,I deserve to find the treasures and hold on to them.
Quite simply I deserve to stand back, admire and be proud that 'MY home IS a reflection of MY life',and although not perfect it slowly becoming less cluttered and more treasured.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Its about the 'knowing' that makes a lasting friendship
As I sit here today I observe in my mind those that I call friends.
Most think that a person like myself (haha) is surrounded by friendship however those that assume would be mistaken.
Hard as it is to believe people....
No I dont have a little black book where I pencil you in...
No I dont hold an interview so that you can be my friend (ha ha sorry kinda thought that one was funny :D ,tad bit vain too dont ya think?)
No I dont way the pro's against the con's for allowing you to be my friend (damn again that sounds sooooooooooo vain)
If I am your friend and you are mine it is because we chose each other,something drew me to you and something drew you to me.
To say that I have close friends that I 'hang out' with daily would be a lie,infact I dont have any friends that I go and have a cup of coffee with or make a trip to the mall with (to spend the hubbies hard earned money hehe)BUT that is by choice.
I am a homebody ,now that Im not working I spend most of my time here in the home and take pleasure in the simple things in life.
My best friend is a woman I have never meant personally ,she knows me inside out without being in my presence,she finishes my sentences and knows what Im thinking without me even having to say a word.Although I do not know her as a face to face friend ,I can honestly say that she is the best friend I have ever had and maybe thats in part because of the fact that we have never been in the same room lol.
I dont say that with any disrespect I say it because its truth.
We are two peas in a pod,very head strong when it comes to family and friends.
we are both opinionated and fearless,we will go to battle for each other when need be.we are funny and yet serious.we are loving and caring and down right bitches on occassion.she loyal and honest.I care about her and she cares about me.These are all the things I look for in a friend.
In away friendship is much like a partnership because its about giving and taking,not just from one but from both parties..its about working towards a common goal in life :contentment,peace,happiness,quite simply 'just to be'.
Now maybe to you that doesnt make sense but to me it makes perfect sense.
Many times I have been very fake (shock of all shocks eh?moi?fake?)
I have pretended to be someone I am not just to get approval and acceptance from another and/or their 'click'.
I let myself down by doing so because I never want to be anyone else other than exactly who I am.
It took me many a friendships that went sour to realize that if a person doesnt like me just the way I am then its their loss not mine.If I accept you as you..you in return should accept me as me and if not dont let the door hit where the good lord split ya!
I have friends that I talk to daily and can confide in on a certain level..I even have 'family' that I consider friend rather than relative because I know I can trust them,I know I can say and be who I am without judgement and vise versa,I have friends I HAVE to talk to daily and others I can go without talkin to for weeks or months at a time yet pick right up where we left off.I have best childhood friends that will always hold a place in my heart and are more like sisters than anything.
To me it isnt about the numbers or the 'type' of friend its about those that you can call friend and truley know what it means,what it stands for,what it defines.
Mostly its knowing there is someone out there that cares and loves me no matter what.Its knowing that someone other than myself worries about me...its knowing that someone thinks about me and knowing they take time out for me...sometimes its just about the 'knowing' that makes for a lasting friendship.
Most think that a person like myself (haha) is surrounded by friendship however those that assume would be mistaken.
Hard as it is to believe people....
No I dont have a little black book where I pencil you in...
No I dont hold an interview so that you can be my friend (ha ha sorry kinda thought that one was funny :D ,tad bit vain too dont ya think?)
No I dont way the pro's against the con's for allowing you to be my friend (damn again that sounds sooooooooooo vain)
If I am your friend and you are mine it is because we chose each other,something drew me to you and something drew you to me.
To say that I have close friends that I 'hang out' with daily would be a lie,infact I dont have any friends that I go and have a cup of coffee with or make a trip to the mall with (to spend the hubbies hard earned money hehe)BUT that is by choice.
I am a homebody ,now that Im not working I spend most of my time here in the home and take pleasure in the simple things in life.
My best friend is a woman I have never meant personally ,she knows me inside out without being in my presence,she finishes my sentences and knows what Im thinking without me even having to say a word.Although I do not know her as a face to face friend ,I can honestly say that she is the best friend I have ever had and maybe thats in part because of the fact that we have never been in the same room lol.
I dont say that with any disrespect I say it because its truth.
We are two peas in a pod,very head strong when it comes to family and friends.
we are both opinionated and fearless,we will go to battle for each other when need be.we are funny and yet serious.we are loving and caring and down right bitches on occassion.she loyal and honest.I care about her and she cares about me.These are all the things I look for in a friend.
In away friendship is much like a partnership because its about giving and taking,not just from one but from both parties..its about working towards a common goal in life :contentment,peace,happiness,quite simply 'just to be'.
Now maybe to you that doesnt make sense but to me it makes perfect sense.
Many times I have been very fake (shock of all shocks eh?moi?fake?)
I have pretended to be someone I am not just to get approval and acceptance from another and/or their 'click'.
I let myself down by doing so because I never want to be anyone else other than exactly who I am.
It took me many a friendships that went sour to realize that if a person doesnt like me just the way I am then its their loss not mine.If I accept you as you..you in return should accept me as me and if not dont let the door hit where the good lord split ya!
I have friends that I talk to daily and can confide in on a certain level..I even have 'family' that I consider friend rather than relative because I know I can trust them,I know I can say and be who I am without judgement and vise versa,I have friends I HAVE to talk to daily and others I can go without talkin to for weeks or months at a time yet pick right up where we left off.I have best childhood friends that will always hold a place in my heart and are more like sisters than anything.
To me it isnt about the numbers or the 'type' of friend its about those that you can call friend and truley know what it means,what it stands for,what it defines.
Mostly its knowing there is someone out there that cares and loves me no matter what.Its knowing that someone other than myself worries about me...its knowing that someone thinks about me and knowing they take time out for me...sometimes its just about the 'knowing' that makes for a lasting friendship.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Betcha I can make ya say 'awww' :D
Some of you know the past year was a hard one for me and without getting into my personal life (ok atleast not this part of my personal life lol)lets just say that for a while I lived a life of denial and MUCH selfishness...glad I got over that one,phew.
Anyway I hate birthdays...like I said before (on facebook) ..its the thought of getting older and not being able to do a damn thing about it!
However my birthday this past year was one I will not soon forget...I know it was nothing extravagent,infact it was quiet and simple.
Rick and I played a game of yahtzee with the kids,he bought me an awesome watch...my stepdaughter Tara came over and the evening was filled with chatter and positive energy,may not sound like the most glamours of days but for me it left me feeling content and happy.
After the year me and my husband have had he still manages to leave me in awe of number one his unconditional love and number two that somewhere under that tough exterior is a romantic man...
Rick is not a card person however this year he took the time not only to go to the 'hallmark' card store but to actually stand there and read through a slew of them.Finally settling on the first one he had picked out,he took it to the cashier,paid and said he felt pretty damn proud of himself lol...
This is the part that I KNOW will make you say awwwwww
He told me that the words themself were the words he has been looking for (anyone that knows him ..knows he is not a man to put his feelings out there)
The card reads as follows ...something I still proudly display almost a month later right here on our computer desk...
'Just hold my hand and you you will feel it,
listen when I whisper your name and you will hear it,
kiss me and you'll be absolutely sure,
(on the inside) that I am crazy about you and more inlove
today than I was yesterday'
I love this man with all my heart and soul...I cant believe that for a while I lost
sight of the man I fell inlove with...I am lucky to be loved and to be inlove...theres a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with them.
Im glad that after 18 years and many uphill battles that rick n I have managed to always find our way back to each other.He truley is an amazing man...yes he has his faults as do I...I cant change who he is anymore than he can change who I am ...I look forward to many more 'awwwwwwwwww' moments spent with him :D
ppppsssst go ahead u can say it again 'awwwwwwwwwwwww' lol ;)
Anyway I hate birthdays...like I said before (on facebook) ..its the thought of getting older and not being able to do a damn thing about it!
However my birthday this past year was one I will not soon forget...I know it was nothing extravagent,infact it was quiet and simple.
Rick and I played a game of yahtzee with the kids,he bought me an awesome watch...my stepdaughter Tara came over and the evening was filled with chatter and positive energy,may not sound like the most glamours of days but for me it left me feeling content and happy.
After the year me and my husband have had he still manages to leave me in awe of number one his unconditional love and number two that somewhere under that tough exterior is a romantic man...
Rick is not a card person however this year he took the time not only to go to the 'hallmark' card store but to actually stand there and read through a slew of them.Finally settling on the first one he had picked out,he took it to the cashier,paid and said he felt pretty damn proud of himself lol...
This is the part that I KNOW will make you say awwwwww
He told me that the words themself were the words he has been looking for (anyone that knows him ..knows he is not a man to put his feelings out there)
The card reads as follows ...something I still proudly display almost a month later right here on our computer desk...
'Just hold my hand and you you will feel it,
listen when I whisper your name and you will hear it,
kiss me and you'll be absolutely sure,
(on the inside) that I am crazy about you and more inlove
today than I was yesterday'
I love this man with all my heart and soul...I cant believe that for a while I lost
sight of the man I fell inlove with...I am lucky to be loved and to be inlove...theres a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with them.
Im glad that after 18 years and many uphill battles that rick n I have managed to always find our way back to each other.He truley is an amazing man...yes he has his faults as do I...I cant change who he is anymore than he can change who I am ...I look forward to many more 'awwwwwwwwww' moments spent with him :D
ppppsssst go ahead u can say it again 'awwwwwwwwwwwww' lol ;)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Ownership of me ...
At 18 I went through a rebellious stage..leaving the church I attended but not my beliefs behind,although not the same as those that call themselves Pentecost ,I still referr to my upbringing and my 'religion' as pentecostal..even though I am not a faithful attendee (shame on me,I know) and even though I do not live my life according to their 'teachings/beliefs' I still have a strong faith in God and the power of prayer.
Many times through the day I find myself talking to him,I even call on him during trials n tribulations,I thank him for the good things that happen as well as the bad,I praise him when I have an answer to prayer.I even question him sometimes.
I believe in part this is because of my mother as well as the church and the way she/they raised me and my brother...I believe it is also habit ,one I dont want to break...saddly I also see this as a reason for me to hang on to my youth ,although difficult at times,this was also one of the happiest times in my childhood and teenage years.
I often said and often still say there is nothing like the presence of God and how it makes you feel in a room full of people praising him and calling on his name.
I was not the perfect christian and never pretended to be,infact I was once referred to as a jezebel (the reason I left the church,something about being called that in a sermon infront of a congregation from a pulpit just didnt sit right with me,since then I have googled 'jezebel' and am pretty offended by the different meanings it pertains!)
However,I can remember many a nites standing before an alter weeping as I felt the presence of God,even the conviction...I can remember (shock of all shocks here people) dancing in the 'spirit' (if u have never experienced this,let me tell ya its something else!)I can remember singing and feeling so many different emotions that you would just allow God himself to move you.I was baptized in JESUS NAME when I was 13,I was a sunday school teacher and sang in the choir.
I know this may come as a shock to some of you that know me now..lol..truthfully I was very shy,it wasnt until I got much older that I found a voice of my own..something I wish I had accomplished that back in the day.
Im not sure why I write this other than to share that despite the ummm naughty janet you have all come to love and adore (ha ha) really truley does own a spiritual side...and yes I use the word own.
We all have a choice on ownership in life whatever it may be.It goes far past the means of materialistic things.
Daily we have to take ownership for our mistakes and choices we make,daily we have to take ownership for the decisions we make whether it be from what we eat for breakfast or when we make time for family or friends...everything in a way is about ownership and Im quite happy to admit that I take ownership for my spiritual side.
Could I be more religious?Perhaps.a better christian?definatley!more spiritial?probably..but could I go back to a life of believing in the way I was raised?Very doubtful because simply I do not want to live a life of hypocracy been there done that and not doing it again.And yes that also is something I take ownership of...
In closing this was meant to take a trip down memory lane,but I find myself again giving you a glimpse into my personal life thus resulting who I am today,whether you find this as a negative or a postive is something only you can answer but im proud that I can sit back ,reflect on my life and say although difficult at times who I was then is who I am now and I 100% take ownership of me!!
Many times through the day I find myself talking to him,I even call on him during trials n tribulations,I thank him for the good things that happen as well as the bad,I praise him when I have an answer to prayer.I even question him sometimes.
I believe in part this is because of my mother as well as the church and the way she/they raised me and my brother...I believe it is also habit ,one I dont want to break...saddly I also see this as a reason for me to hang on to my youth ,although difficult at times,this was also one of the happiest times in my childhood and teenage years.
I often said and often still say there is nothing like the presence of God and how it makes you feel in a room full of people praising him and calling on his name.
I was not the perfect christian and never pretended to be,infact I was once referred to as a jezebel (the reason I left the church,something about being called that in a sermon infront of a congregation from a pulpit just didnt sit right with me,since then I have googled 'jezebel' and am pretty offended by the different meanings it pertains!)
However,I can remember many a nites standing before an alter weeping as I felt the presence of God,even the conviction...I can remember (shock of all shocks here people) dancing in the 'spirit' (if u have never experienced this,let me tell ya its something else!)I can remember singing and feeling so many different emotions that you would just allow God himself to move you.I was baptized in JESUS NAME when I was 13,I was a sunday school teacher and sang in the choir.
I know this may come as a shock to some of you that know me now..lol..truthfully I was very shy,it wasnt until I got much older that I found a voice of my own..something I wish I had accomplished that back in the day.
Im not sure why I write this other than to share that despite the ummm naughty janet you have all come to love and adore (ha ha) really truley does own a spiritual side...and yes I use the word own.
We all have a choice on ownership in life whatever it may be.It goes far past the means of materialistic things.
Daily we have to take ownership for our mistakes and choices we make,daily we have to take ownership for the decisions we make whether it be from what we eat for breakfast or when we make time for family or friends...everything in a way is about ownership and Im quite happy to admit that I take ownership for my spiritual side.
Could I be more religious?Perhaps.a better christian?definatley!more spiritial?probably..but could I go back to a life of believing in the way I was raised?Very doubtful because simply I do not want to live a life of hypocracy been there done that and not doing it again.And yes that also is something I take ownership of...
In closing this was meant to take a trip down memory lane,but I find myself again giving you a glimpse into my personal life thus resulting who I am today,whether you find this as a negative or a postive is something only you can answer but im proud that I can sit back ,reflect on my life and say although difficult at times who I was then is who I am now and I 100% take ownership of me!!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Defeating the enemy
A sweet friend of mine (through the world of the internet) took some very brave steps as far as Im concerned in regards to her blog,her honestly and candidness left me in awe of her...which got me to thinking...most people know me but do they REALLY know me?
Id like to think I am a pretty honest person.I wear my heart on my sleeve and share what I believe needs to be shared and yes sometimes I even share way to much.That being said few people know of my childhood and the hell I endured as a preteen.
I am sure you are sitting there thinking what a way to start a blog!But I do this because or 'just because' I feel the need to let my guard down and share exactly who I am without shame and with allowing myself to be vulnerable by telling something that I haven't told in years.
Ya know I dont even know if I have completely healed or if I have just accepted what is and moved past it in my life.Honestly I dont think I have ever really dealt with what happened to me as a child and have managed to sweep it under the rug all the while trying to keep my life in order and not rehash the reality of evilness and ugly that I went through.
Maybe by 'putting this out there' I can face the demons Ive never really faced.
I also dont think that what Im about to share I have done so ...so publically or vividly so I warn you in advance that you have a choice to read this or not ... for some it may be to personal.
I remember like it was yesterday.
I was 9 , my parents had gone away and left us (me and my brother) with a 'family friend'.My bro and I had to share a bed that night (which makes what happened even more sickening ,hmm I dont think Ive ever told anyone that bit of imfo,my bad :D) I remember being awakened by someone or rather I should say 'something' touching what belonged to me not to him!! I remember thinking to myself omg what is happening to me?why is this happening to me?I tried forcing myself to go back to sleep,or atleast by pretending to be,like many victims though I could block it out while happening but couldnt block it out when faced by him on a daily basis.(he later moved in with our family)
I remember just lookin at this man in the days that followed ,it would make me tremble with fear and make me feel literally sick to my stomache.
I couldnt help but to feel it was my fault and at the same time know it was wrong and think of how dirty I was.The whole time I kept a front , I did not want anyone to know my 'dirty secret'and I didnt want to acknowledge to him that what he was doing wasnt right,so I ignored the situtation completly.
I would later call this man 'grandpa don' and not even know why..other than at the time he would shower me with whatever my heart desired,coming from a household that couldnt afford the luxuires of new barbies and my little pony's all the time, I took this as a 'u better not tell',and saddly even more so I welcomed the thought of brand new things that were mine... in my 9 year old mind thats what I was thinkin ... he would do this over n over n over year after year and I would ask myself is all this worth it?Worse yet I allowed it to continue by never telling anyone.
From the age of 9 until I was almost 12 this went on...it didnt stop until my mom left my dad and I never ever told anyone the whole time,not even my best friends next door.(I was later to find out that one of them was also molested by this asshole)I never told because I was to ashamed and to scared.I also felt much guilt because I accepted these gifts knowing what the sublimnimal message behind them where.
Finally when I did , it was in a way that I will never forget and I cant even put it into words because to this day it fills me with anger and resentment.sad but true.
The horror that I went through even after telling what happened to me sticks with me and haunts me.It was bad enough being molested but then to have to tell complete strangers over and over...then to have my legs in stirrups at the age of 11 for an internal exam,(on my 19th birthday I miscarried and found out then by my husband who was told by my mother,that it was known at 12 I may not be able to carry children because of the damage he did,thank God this was not the case)to endure months of interigation in a court room while friends ,family and complete strangers listened to what I had to say.The end result being number 1. I felt like no one believed me after all that shit (some didnt,one being my father) and then number 2. he was aquitted!Nice way of sayin neither guilty nor not guilty. Im not sure in all honestly which was worse being molested quietly on my own or being molested publically for all to see and hear.
If it werent for the events that made me tell what happened I honestly believe to this day I would never have told,especially if knowing now what i didnt know then was going to take place...again sad but true.
I dont think I really saw myself as a victim not like the judge did or lawyers or friends and family...and I have never really thought of myself as a survivor either...it is what it is and I cant change it but it did change me.
I sit and re read what I have written asking myself what others are going to say and respond with...and suddenly I dont fear the outcome.
Being molested doesnt define the woman I am...doesnt define the wife or mother I am...or the friend I am,it doesnt define whether I am a victim or a survior...and I have never allowed myself to play the poor pity me card ( u can even ask those that know about this ordeal that question lol)Ive never used it as an excuse for making mistakes,and i never allowed it to take me over by living a life where I drink or do drugs to forget it ever happened...maybe its because after all these years I have left it swept under the rug that I dont allow it to come into mind.Some might say I live in a world of denial,maybe so...all I know is that even without you knowing my story I am Janet ,always have been and always will be.This does not change the person you know it just gives you a more indepth look at what makes me tick.I am strong,witty,funny,caring and loving...anybody that knows me knows that I will go out on a limb for what I believe in...
Whether I am a victim or a survivor really isnt the question I am a conquerer,I have risen above the odds that are so stereotypically stacked against those of us that have lived this hell and won.
In closing I dedicate this to all of those that have lived through this and climbed to the top of the mountain where we stand together ,united,holding hands declaring that we can conquer any obstacle that comes our way,after all, thats what being a victim and a survivor is all about,its about fighting a battle and defeating the enemy!
Id like to think I am a pretty honest person.I wear my heart on my sleeve and share what I believe needs to be shared and yes sometimes I even share way to much.That being said few people know of my childhood and the hell I endured as a preteen.
I am sure you are sitting there thinking what a way to start a blog!But I do this because or 'just because' I feel the need to let my guard down and share exactly who I am without shame and with allowing myself to be vulnerable by telling something that I haven't told in years.
Ya know I dont even know if I have completely healed or if I have just accepted what is and moved past it in my life.Honestly I dont think I have ever really dealt with what happened to me as a child and have managed to sweep it under the rug all the while trying to keep my life in order and not rehash the reality of evilness and ugly that I went through.
Maybe by 'putting this out there' I can face the demons Ive never really faced.
I also dont think that what Im about to share I have done so ...so publically or vividly so I warn you in advance that you have a choice to read this or not ... for some it may be to personal.
I remember like it was yesterday.
I was 9 , my parents had gone away and left us (me and my brother) with a 'family friend'.My bro and I had to share a bed that night (which makes what happened even more sickening ,hmm I dont think Ive ever told anyone that bit of imfo,my bad :D) I remember being awakened by someone or rather I should say 'something' touching what belonged to me not to him!! I remember thinking to myself omg what is happening to me?why is this happening to me?I tried forcing myself to go back to sleep,or atleast by pretending to be,like many victims though I could block it out while happening but couldnt block it out when faced by him on a daily basis.(he later moved in with our family)
I remember just lookin at this man in the days that followed ,it would make me tremble with fear and make me feel literally sick to my stomache.
I couldnt help but to feel it was my fault and at the same time know it was wrong and think of how dirty I was.The whole time I kept a front , I did not want anyone to know my 'dirty secret'and I didnt want to acknowledge to him that what he was doing wasnt right,so I ignored the situtation completly.
I would later call this man 'grandpa don' and not even know why..other than at the time he would shower me with whatever my heart desired,coming from a household that couldnt afford the luxuires of new barbies and my little pony's all the time, I took this as a 'u better not tell',and saddly even more so I welcomed the thought of brand new things that were mine... in my 9 year old mind thats what I was thinkin ... he would do this over n over n over year after year and I would ask myself is all this worth it?Worse yet I allowed it to continue by never telling anyone.
From the age of 9 until I was almost 12 this went on...it didnt stop until my mom left my dad and I never ever told anyone the whole time,not even my best friends next door.(I was later to find out that one of them was also molested by this asshole)I never told because I was to ashamed and to scared.I also felt much guilt because I accepted these gifts knowing what the sublimnimal message behind them where.
Finally when I did , it was in a way that I will never forget and I cant even put it into words because to this day it fills me with anger and resentment.sad but true.
The horror that I went through even after telling what happened to me sticks with me and haunts me.It was bad enough being molested but then to have to tell complete strangers over and over...then to have my legs in stirrups at the age of 11 for an internal exam,(on my 19th birthday I miscarried and found out then by my husband who was told by my mother,that it was known at 12 I may not be able to carry children because of the damage he did,thank God this was not the case)to endure months of interigation in a court room while friends ,family and complete strangers listened to what I had to say.The end result being number 1. I felt like no one believed me after all that shit (some didnt,one being my father) and then number 2. he was aquitted!Nice way of sayin neither guilty nor not guilty. Im not sure in all honestly which was worse being molested quietly on my own or being molested publically for all to see and hear.
If it werent for the events that made me tell what happened I honestly believe to this day I would never have told,especially if knowing now what i didnt know then was going to take place...again sad but true.
I dont think I really saw myself as a victim not like the judge did or lawyers or friends and family...and I have never really thought of myself as a survivor either...it is what it is and I cant change it but it did change me.
I sit and re read what I have written asking myself what others are going to say and respond with...and suddenly I dont fear the outcome.
Being molested doesnt define the woman I am...doesnt define the wife or mother I am...or the friend I am,it doesnt define whether I am a victim or a survior...and I have never allowed myself to play the poor pity me card ( u can even ask those that know about this ordeal that question lol)Ive never used it as an excuse for making mistakes,and i never allowed it to take me over by living a life where I drink or do drugs to forget it ever happened...maybe its because after all these years I have left it swept under the rug that I dont allow it to come into mind.Some might say I live in a world of denial,maybe so...all I know is that even without you knowing my story I am Janet ,always have been and always will be.This does not change the person you know it just gives you a more indepth look at what makes me tick.I am strong,witty,funny,caring and loving...anybody that knows me knows that I will go out on a limb for what I believe in...
Whether I am a victim or a survivor really isnt the question I am a conquerer,I have risen above the odds that are so stereotypically stacked against those of us that have lived this hell and won.
In closing I dedicate this to all of those that have lived through this and climbed to the top of the mountain where we stand together ,united,holding hands declaring that we can conquer any obstacle that comes our way,after all, thats what being a victim and a survivor is all about,its about fighting a battle and defeating the enemy!
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