Living with anxiety.....

Awww its good to be back...I tell ya its amazing how a person becomes so reliant on habit...and for weeks I had to grow accustomed to making new ones...life without the internet was bad enough...but life without my friends especially my bff was brutal.
Remind me for my own sanity never to allow that shit to happen again lol.
However being offline really opened my eyes to the fact that I have become so use to to taking some of my friendships for granted...if it wasnt for signing up for messenger on my cell phone I really dont know if I would have stayed grounded.
I know to some that may sound silly but to those of u that know me...u will know that I have to have my daily fix..hoho is who gets me through the day...she is the one who can get me out of a rut or keep me on a path of contentment..she is the one I tell everything to and vise versa...I never ever want to be in a place again where I feel as though I have let her or anyone else down including myself...(shut up hoho..I had a moment lol)
Anyway while being cut off from the world I took a day to sit and write what it is like to be when I am at my lowest...I dont share this for pity but rather for understanding .

In 2003 and I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks with depression.
You would think that after 7 years I would know how to cope with one of these little buggers creeping up.
Somedays I do ok and other days not so well.
The way I had this all explained to me so that I could understand ,is that an anxiety attack is our bodys way of coping with stress when we dont know how to cope anymore.
To some the following that Im about to share may seem so trivial and such a simple matter to deal with however combine all the outside sources to the smaller ones and you end up with huge waves of attacks that leave you questioning your own mortality.
I know some of you sitting there reading this view the world of medication as something as an evil toxin..something our body doesnt really need if we just learn to rely on a healthy life style by exercising and eating right..however until you have walked in my shoes you will never experience or know what its like to have to rely on a medicine to get you through a day.
It is sad that I have allowed this to become my 'saviour' of sorts..I know my body needs it just to function properly.
My day can start out rather normal...wake the girls up for school at 8 a.m(because daddy gets cody off to school as he has to be out the door by 7 a.m)...help them with their lunches...do up the dishes ,sweep the floors...maybe do some laundry and tidy the house if need be...I can be sitting there doing absolutley nothing or I could be busying myself with one of the above...when boom...I become light headed and feel sick...I feel as though something is pressing on my chest and I cant breathe...I work myself up even more because this is the part the mind likes to play tricks...I begin to ask myself omg am I dying? Am I having a heartattack? I can feel a heat move up from my toes,legs ,across my back and kneck to the very top of my head...my stomache begins to sink and I start to gasp for air...I begin to shake and more often then not ask why me? please dont let this be happening.....I begin to cry and can feel all these racing thoughts going through my head that wont stop...it comes in waves...at first very slow but as the water gets more fierce so do the waves until they begin to crash in and I feel as though Im holding on to a rock for dear life...
I know Im ok ...I know Im not dying...but when faced with this demon your mind plays a nasty trick over you and you continuely think the worst...I bring myself to a happy place and concentrate ..usually I sing in my head..jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so....I repeat this over n over until I can feel my body calming....sometimes I can get this under control the first time around...other times I have to take my lorazapam and start from scratch many,many times over....
Most days I am normal...I can function normally but when life becomes stressful this is when I lose my coping mechanisms and all goes to shit...I feel as though I live in constant fear of repeating history...although I learned alot while on the 3rd floor...the mental ward...it is a place I do not want to go back to....I live in fear of putting my family through what I went through as a child....I live in fear that a mother in laws words would indeed become truth and I will lose my husband and children if I ever allow myself to go 'mental'again because she will do whatever it takes to make sure of it.
I live with guilt when these attacks occur because I know the memories they hold for my kids and my husband before I was diagnosed...I live in fear of why me? why after 30 years of a normal life all the sudden I have to deal with this?why do I have to take a med in order to make me 'normal'?
This is who I am ...its part of my life and although its a hated part its made me who I am today...I am strong despite how weak I feel when these attacks occur...I am brave even when I dont feel it....I am smart and intelligent even when my thoughts say your dying yet I know I am not....this has made me more compassionate and empathetic towards others that suffer far worse than me...it has opened my eyes that my life could be alot worse...my illness could be alot worse....yes this is who I am and although I do not like this part of me...I have to accept this part...it is something I can not change...it is something that can not be embranced it is something that scares the hell out of me...but none the less it is part of me...