Defeating the enemy

A sweet friend of mine (through the world of the internet) took some very brave steps as far as Im concerned in regards to her blog,her honestly and candidness left me in awe of her...which got me to thinking...most people know me but do they REALLY know me?
Id like to think I am a pretty honest person.I wear my heart on my sleeve and share what I believe needs to be shared and yes sometimes I even share way to much.That being said few people know of my childhood and the hell I endured as a preteen.
I am sure you are sitting there thinking what a way to start a blog!But I do this because or 'just because' I feel the need to let my guard down and share exactly who I am without shame and with allowing myself to be vulnerable by telling something that I haven't told in years.
Ya know I dont even know if I have completely healed or if I have just accepted what is and moved past it in my life.Honestly I dont think I have ever really dealt with what happened to me as a child and have managed to sweep it under the rug all the while trying to keep my life in order and not rehash the reality of evilness and ugly that I went through.
Maybe by 'putting this out there' I can face the demons Ive never really faced.
I also dont think that what Im about to share I have done so ...so publically or vividly so I warn you in advance that you have a choice to read this or not ... for some it may be to personal.
I remember like it was yesterday.
I was 9 , my parents had gone away and left us (me and my brother) with a 'family friend'.My bro and I had to share a bed that night (which makes what happened even more sickening ,hmm I dont think Ive ever told anyone that bit of imfo,my bad :D) I remember being awakened by someone or rather I should say 'something' touching what belonged to me not to him!! I remember thinking to myself omg what is happening to me?why is this happening to me?I tried forcing myself to go back to sleep,or atleast by pretending to be,like many victims though I could block it out while happening but couldnt block it out when faced by him on a daily basis.(he later moved in with our family)
I remember just lookin at this man in the days that followed ,it would make me tremble with fear and make me feel literally sick to my stomache.
I couldnt help but to feel it was my fault and at the same time know it was wrong and think of how dirty I was.The whole time I kept a front , I did not want anyone to know my 'dirty secret'and I didnt want to acknowledge to him that what he was doing wasnt right,so I ignored the situtation completly.
I would later call this man 'grandpa don' and not even know why..other than at the time he would shower me with whatever my heart desired,coming from a household that couldnt afford the luxuires of new barbies and my little pony's all the time, I took this as a 'u better not tell',and saddly even more so I welcomed the thought of brand new things that were mine... in my 9 year old mind thats what I was thinkin ... he would do this over n over n over year after year and I would ask myself is all this worth it?Worse yet I allowed it to continue by never telling anyone.
From the age of 9 until I was almost 12 this went on...it didnt stop until my mom left my dad and I never ever told anyone the whole time,not even my best friends next door.(I was later to find out that one of them was also molested by this asshole)I never told because I was to ashamed and to scared.I also felt much guilt because I accepted these gifts knowing what the sublimnimal message behind them where.
Finally when I did , it was in a way that I will never forget and I cant even put it into words because to this day it fills me with anger and resentment.sad but true.
The horror that I went through even after telling what happened to me sticks with me and haunts me.It was bad enough being molested but then to have to tell complete strangers over and over...then to have my legs in stirrups at the age of 11 for an internal exam,(on my 19th birthday I miscarried and found out then by my husband who was told by my mother,that it was known at 12 I may not be able to carry children because of the damage he did,thank God this was not the case)to endure months of interigation in a court room while friends ,family and complete strangers listened to what I had to say.The end result being number 1. I felt like no one believed me after all that shit (some didnt,one being my father) and then number 2. he was aquitted!Nice way of sayin neither guilty nor not guilty. Im not sure in all honestly which was worse being molested quietly on my own or being molested publically for all to see and hear.
If it werent for the events that made me tell what happened I honestly believe to this day I would never have told,especially if knowing now what i didnt know then was going to take place...again sad but true.
I dont think I really saw myself as a victim not like the judge did or lawyers or friends and family...and I have never really thought of myself as a survivor either...it is what it is and I cant change it but it did change me.
I sit and re read what I have written asking myself what others are going to say and respond with...and suddenly I dont fear the outcome.
Being molested doesnt define the woman I am...doesnt define the wife or mother I am...or the friend I am,it doesnt define whether I am a victim or a survior...and I have never allowed myself to play the poor pity me card ( u can even ask those that know about this ordeal that question lol)Ive never used it as an excuse for making mistakes,and i never allowed it to take me over by living a life where I drink or do drugs to forget it ever happened...maybe its because after all these years I have left it swept under the rug that I dont allow it to come into mind.Some might say I live in a world of denial,maybe so...all I know is that even without you knowing my story I am Janet ,always have been and always will be.This does not change the person you know it just gives you a more indepth look at what makes me tick.I am strong,witty,funny,caring and loving...anybody that knows me knows that I will go out on a limb for what I believe in...
Whether I am a victim or a survivor really isnt the question I am a conquerer,I have risen above the odds that are so stereotypically stacked against those of us that have lived this hell and won.
In closing I dedicate this to all of those that have lived through this and climbed to the top of the mountain where we stand together ,united,holding hands declaring that we can conquer any obstacle that comes our way,after all, thats what being a victim and a survivor is all about,its about fighting a battle and defeating the enemy!